crash.

so.. here it is. the big news that i have been purposefully not mentioning - theodore and i have called it quits. it's strange, because he's my best friend, really. and he's the man i fell in love with my freshman year, a man i pursued and persisted with for a year before we decided to call what we had a relationship. he's pretty much defined my entire college experience.

and it's not that there's anything wrong with us, but it's really just circumstance. it's not fair for him to pack up his life, leave his family, friends and job, to come out to LA and then for us to not live together (also read: never see each other). on the other hand, it's not fair to ask me to live with him because it would break my mother's heart and definitely tear apart the relationship with her that it's taken me years to build. plus, to be completely honest, i am currently twenty-one, almost twenty-two, and the whole situation just scares me shitless because it's a huge effing step to be taking.

so we're taking a break from us, not just a break i guess, because we are mutually agreed on not being in this relationship right now, but we're open to revisiting the issue in the future after i'm fully settled back in los angeles, in six or nine or so months. if we're both still single, who knows - i'm not one to believe in 'meant to be' or whatever, but he is. and if not, well, then no harm done.

and while i make it sound pretty and amicable and well-handled, this hasn't been the case. the past month has been a hell of an emotional roller coaster for me - tears, anxiety, insomnia, neurosis, anger, relief, doubt - all bundled up, smooshed together, chopped up and tossed for my consumption. but, what's done is done - all to do now is graduate, start working and see what happens, because like i always say.. my life is infinitely entertaining. then again, my definition of entertainment is usually pretty different from others.